Third Time's The Charm
by unleashed-demons
Summary: "So you wanna break up?" The words sliced through me like razor blades, and they were my own words. I'm supposed to be sharp as nails, but right now I'm only as sharp as a blunt pencil. I didn't want to use that line again. I don't want to break up with him for the third time, but what the hell am I supposed to do? How can I stop acting so damn vulnerable around him?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm not sure if the Victorious fandom is still popular, but I thought I'd give Bade a shot since it's my fav ship.  
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**Disclaimer: Don't own.**

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"Listen, Jade. I don't think this is gonna work out."

His face is solemn, and I try to find out if there's any change of expression on his face, but nothing has changed. He's always solemn. He was solemn the first time we broke up, the second time we broke up, and now it seems like it's gonna be that way for the third time. And I haven't even stepped into his RV yet, and I'm not wearing a jacket and can feel the cold goosebumps run through my flesh. It's unusually chilly tonight.

"Oh, greeaaat way to start a conversation, Beck." I say, giving him a hint of sarcasm in my voice.

So much for third time's the charm.

"Jade, I'm sorry. I'm just feeling really conflicted right now. I thought there would be no more fights once we got back together, and I thought that maybe there would be a little bit less fighting this time. But nothing's changed. We're still fighting. I just need to figure things out. I need to find out what I want. Please. Just let me figure things out."

I roll my eyes. "We don't fight, Beck. We bicker. And I thought you would have figured that out by now. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you still want me to get you a Rottenhiemer or whatever the hell kind of dog it is you want? Or a freshly squeezed cup of lemonade that's not in a can? Is that what you want, Beck? Because I can get them! I can get whatever the hell it is you want!"

I'm losing it. He makes me feel so vulnerable. He makes me completely let my walls open up around him, and he makes the other Jade West come out, and I hate that other side of me. I hate the vulnerable side of me, because Jade West isn't vulnerable. Jade West is never vulnerable. Well maybe around Beck, but she's never vulnerable. She almost never is, and she almost never lets her walls down, but here she is. Here I am, once again, acting completely vulnerable around him.

He rubs at his temples, looks down, and then looks back up at me again. "I don't want you to get me a dog, and it's a Rottweiler, not a Rottenhiemer." He sighs. "But I don't want you to get me a dog."

Rottenhiemer? Rottenweiler? Who the hell cares?! Is he really correcting the type of dog name now? Fuck. Fucking Beck. But if I'm so frustrated at him, why am I continuing to act vulnerable and continuing to let my guard and walls down?

_ Get your act together, Jade._

I shrug. "So you wanna break up?"

The words sliced through me like razor blades, and they were my own words. I'm supposed to be sharp as nails, but right now I'm only as sharp as a blunt pencil. I didn't want to use that line again. I don't want to break up with him for the third time, but what the hell am I supposed to do? How can I stop acting so damn vulnerable around him?

He sighs loudly. "Jade, I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want to do."

Usually he'd stop me before I said the words. Usually he'd tell me that I'm being ridiculous, or that I'm making a mistake, but he's not telling me any of those things. I hate using the breakup line, but he's right, even if I fucking hate using the break up line. It doesn't matter, because he's always right. I don't even know what the hell for, but he's right, and I know he's not being selfish even if he's just thinking about himself. Because I always think about myself. Beck's never selfish, and if he is it's always indirectly. It's always me who's selfish, because I'm Jade West, and I kind of have to be that way.

"Fine, Beck! Be that way. Do whatever the hell it is you need to do! But we never really fight, and I know I can be overbearing, and intimidating, and sometimes act insanely jealous-"

_You're losing it, Jade. You're letting your guard down._

He looks down again, his voice low and soft like it always is, the voice that always gets me so damn vulnerable when I'm around him. "Jade."

"Are you still into Meredith?" I press. "Shocker there, Beck! Ever since you were in that stupid play with her two years ago, and ever since she gave you those stupid cupcakes, I always knew-"

He sighs quietly. "No. I was never into Meredith."

I chew down harshly on my bottom lower lip. "Is there any other girl that you're into? I just wanna know." I sigh, looking away so he can't tell that I'm more upset than anything else right now. "Is there any other girl that you're into?" I press further.

"No. I just need some time. I'm sorry, Jade. I know it's selfish of me, and every time we have gotten back together I've always loved you then, but right now I just need some time to-"

And then, out of impulse, I kiss him. But he quickly pulls me back, and I look away, trying not to let the mascara leak down my face so that I won't have to deal with the stinging. Beck hardly ever see's me cry, and I try not to let that vulnerable side of me show, but I've let my guard down too much already.

He threads a hand through his dark hair, looking down for a second after the abrupt retreat of the kiss before looking back up at me again, not saying anything. He was the one who crawled back to me this time, who told me he missed me, who kissed me on stage after I had sung that song that had been directly about him. And now he was retreating?

I nod slowly. "Conflict with your emotions, and try to find out what you want, and figure yourself out." I finish for him with another light nod, looking annoyed, but feel my heart hammer, drop, and crush at the word 'loved' and how he had retreated from me. "Gotcha. Yeah, I got it." I roll my eyes. "So much for third time's the charm. Fuck you, Beck. Fuck you."

And he sighs another time after that, loudly, rubbing at his temples like he's frustrated and then quickly closes the door to his RV.

Yeah. So much for third time's the charm.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Dang it. I don't own it.**

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I enter the coffee shop, and I'm soaking wet but I don't really give a damn. I guess I got lucky that I didn't get a speeding ticket on my way here, but I wouldn't really have given a damn anyway. I don't give a damn about anything because that's who I am. I had given a damn about Beck, I'll admit, but now that we've broken up I just don't know anymore.

I'm indifferent towards everything. Maybe that's why Beck dumped me, but he's always been able to handle all this baggage that came with me before. What's different? I can't act a little nicer. He knows that. But I do it for him. Is that not good enough? I hate how indecisive he is about me.

I just hope he doesn't go back to Meredith. I'll admit, I can be overbearing sometimes, but he's gotten used to that! He had gotten used to that, right? But that might not even be a reason. Ugh. Is this all just stupid thinking? Probably. It's our third breakup. I don't even know what I did wrong. Does he not want me in the picture anymore?

I internally sigh, but I'm somehow managing to keep myself calm. Emptiness. It's the worst feeling in the world. And if Beck keeps breaking up with me, why should I let it get to me? I mean, it's not like I was ever in a good mood to begin with. But he could deal with that. What changed? God. I should stop thinking about him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a redhead. Cat. What the hell is she doing in the coffee shop at midnight? Who knows with that girl. I could care less. I try not to get too close to people. Beck seems to be the only person who can break my walls down, but now that he's gone, it feels different this time. Whatever. I don't need people, but Cat's a whole different story. Nobody can ever seem to avoid her no matter how hard they try.

"Hi, Jade!"

How can she be cheery at a time like this? I don't get it. I don't get Cat at all. But she doesn't know me and Beck broke up, and I don't even want to bother to tell her because she wouldn't understand. Somebody who's that cheery must be hiding something, right? Like I care. But it's really hard to ignore Cat, and she's kinda hard to push away. She's exactly like a pet, I swear.

"I'm in a bad mood," I say bluntly, not giving her eye contact and ordering a coffee with two sugars. I guess I have to order for myself now. Darn.

I pay the guy, leaving the coffee shop and taking my coffee with me. Cat follows me out. I don't want to interact with anybody at this moment, but she doesn't get that.

"Jade, you're all wet."

I take a sip of my coffee. "Duh, Cat. It's raining." I say matter-of-factly, opening the car door with my free hand. I look at her, keeping my voice low. "I'm just trying to get home, alright?"

How stupid can she be? Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Cat like I hate Tori, but I just wish she would stop acting like a child all the time. But we've all got our screwed-up personalities. I'm just not in the mood for happiness. Ever. I hate happiness. With a passion.

"'Kay 'kay. Hey, you look like you were crying. Something wrong?"

Yes. Everything's wrong. I'm a mess. But I don't tell her that. She'd probably try to make everything better by making me cupcakes, but cupcakes don't solve all the world's problems. Well, on the bright side, at least I ran into Cat instead of Tori.

"Nothing's wrong, Cat. I'm just in a bad mood, okay?"

"You're always in a bad mood. Oh, this one time my brother—"

I slam the car door, speeding home. Yeah, I'm not exactly in the mood for happiness. I'm never in the mood for happiness. But I'm Jade West, and people just have to deal with that. Everything will sort itself out one way or another. Ugh. I hate positive thinking. Whatever. Cat and the rest of them will figure it out when they see that me and Beck's relationship status has changed on the Slap anyways.

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**A/N: Review or Rex might appear in your dreams. I mean, nightmares.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own Victorious. Kidding. If only... **

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I walk into Hollywood Arts. I skipped most of the morning periods just because I felt like it. I had to think. Nobody asks me about why I didn't show up earlier. I'm known to be intimidating. I like it that way. I want to keep it that way. Beck always knew how to keep me guarded, but now that we're over, I don't think anybody at all can keep me guarded. Tori can't even fix this. She'd probably just ask why we broke up, but I don't have the reason this time. I don't have the reason at all.

I lean back against my locker, and everybody's looking at me but I don't care. I don't care what people think. I guess they saw that me and Beck's status changed. Not surprised. I'm not going to Tori. She can't see the vulnerable side of me come out again. I can't cry in front of her like I did last time. I want Beck back, but if he wants to go through the same breakup thing, I'm not gonna deal with it anymore.

Truth is, I don't need anybody. I can do fine on my own, but it's different now that I've gotten close to Beck. We seem to be more and more distance from each other after every time we break up. It's almost like it's some sort of pattern.

"Hey, Jade."

I look up. I'm surprised I didn't snap, but that's because it's Beck. I never snap at Beck, not even when we breakup. Why is he talking to me? Is he trying to get the vulnerable side of me to come out? That's not gonna happen. Does he really want to go through this route again? I really don't. I'm so confused.

"Don't give me that attitude."

I always say the first things that come to mind. I'm not afraid, even if it's Beck. Most people would find me intimidating. I think I'm just not afraid of what needs to be said. There's a lot that needs to be said. There's a lot that needs to be figured out. Why the hell did he breakup with me? I still haven't figured that out.

He blinks. "Whoa, Jade. I'm not giving you any attitude. I just said hey. It's a greeting. But I wanted to talk for a sec. We don't have to be like all the other couples."

What does he mean? This isn't making things any better than they were. I don't even know why he broke up with me in the first place. We were the perfect couple. At least I thought we were. We fought, but shouldn't he have gotten used to that? I thought he had. It was more like bickering, but all couples fight, don't they? Why does he have to be so hard to read? God. I knew I shouldn't have gotten close to anybody. My mistake.

"Yeah, we don't. We're not a couple anymore."

I feel my heart sink when I say the words, but I do my best to not let it show. I'm feeling like hell. I hate feeling things. If we keep on getting back together, why do we always break up? There's a part of me that thinks maybe this time it's final, but I'm trying not to let my guard down. Were all those years we were together just a waste?

We stare at each other in silence. It's tense. I remember that time we got voted the worst couple. We weren't the worst couple, were we? Somehow I'm doubting myself. What am I supposed to be feeling? I can't even tell. I'm not sure what he's expecting me to do. He doesn't say anything. He just shrugs. We stay in silence.

Before Beck has the chance to say something, the bell rings for lunch.

I break the silence. "I gotta go."

He doesn't say anything but give me a light nod. I walk away from him as I feel like someone's smashing a hammer in my chest. This doesn't feel right. I don't feel right. I'm so damn empty. It hurts. It hurts worse than ever because all I can feel is emptiness.

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"Did you guys see Beck and Jade's relationship status on the Sla—"

Tori shuts up when I walk up to them, taking a seat at the table we usually sit at outside. Well, my appetites suppressed. I look at Tori. She thinks she's perfect. She's not perfect at all. Offense. I tell her that countless times, but she always tries to get the vulnerable side of me out. She tries to fix things. She tries to be _my_ friend. Why even bother? Beck isn't here. Shocker there. I don't know why I'm here. Maybe I'm just trying to kill some time. Either way, I can't stop thinking about Beck and I can't help it. I should be over him, right? I can't stand this. I can't stand how he wants to pretend that everything's okay between us when it's not. Maybe I had more of a hold on him than he did of me. Maybe.

"They're broken up!"

I bite my lip, looking at Cat. "Really, Cat? I had no idea."

"Jade, no need to be such a gank."

I narrow my eyes at Rex. "Shut it, puppet!"

Robbie shouts defensively, "That's an offensive term!"

"Come on, Rob," Andre says, giving him a quick rub on the shoulder. "Somebody's always gonna offend Rex."

"At least I'm not a gank." Says Rex. He's quiet, but I hear him.

I glare at Rex. "What did that puppet say?"

Rex shuts up. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with these people without Beck here. If he tried to not make everything seem so tense, why isn't he sitting at the table with us? If only I knew why he broke up with me. I had done nice things to him. He can't expect me to be nice all the time. I don't get it. My heart's hammering way too much.

Ugh. Beck was the only person I could tolerate at Hollywood Arts. Sure, I hang around with the rest of them, but now that we're broken up? Everything just feels so weird. I don't know if I can handle it. I need him to keep me guarded, but I can't be the first one to go back to him. I can't seem vulnerable. I'm not vulnerable. Jade West isn't vulnerable. But I'm starting to think that I am. Damn it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: It wouldn't be over already if I owned it. Just saying.**

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I wouldn't say I hate Tori. That would be an underestimate. I just hate how she showed up at Hollywood Arts and makes herself seem like she's better than everybody else. That's not true. Tori isn't perfect. I hate how she thinks that she is. I know she isn't. What are her flaws? Fine. I'll admit that she's talented, but everybody's got flaws, don't they? I hate to think that I do. But man, deep down I know I've got a lot of them.

Tori and I don't get along. I _don't _get along with her. That's for damn sure. Saying I'm jealous of her would be another underestimate. I'm not jealous of Tori. I could say that with a straight face. I wouldn't be lying. I might've been jealous when Beck tried to kiss her, but that was only because I didn't know that she would stop him. Who knows what would've happened if she didn't.

That's why I mock her. I know she told me she doesn't want Beck, but I don't need her help this time. Is Beck worth it? Yes. I don't regret all those years I was with him. But if I'm not good enough for him, that's his loss. I'm not giving in so easily.

Tori suddenly walks up to me. Ugh. I hate how nice she is. I hate nice. I've told her that I don't want her to be my friend. I can't even count how many times. But it's been a lot. Does she not get that? What part does she not understand? I've let her know that so clearly but she still tries to be my friend!

"Jade! Hey!"

"Does everybody have to give me that attitude?!"

So maybe that wasn't the best response. Whatever. I'm always mean to Tori, but that doesn't seem to matter to her. It's not fair how she's still nice to me when I'm mean to her. That's not how it's supposed to work. Why the hell is she trying to push my boundaries? She never gives up. I'm not used to people wanting to be my friend. They're usually scared of me before they get the chance. I don't blame them though. Who would when it's someone like me? But Tori's different. She actually _tries _to get to know me. I hate that.

"Jade, it's a simple greeting!"

So what? I'm not used to friendly conversations. I'm not friendly. I'm supposed to make people scared of me. Tori doesn't seem to care if I'm friendly or not. I'm not weak. That's why I try not to let the vulnerable side get the best of me. There are so many things I don't get. Maybe that's because I've never tried to please people or gotten the time to know them. Well, besides Beck. Damn it. I'm thinking about him again.

"Yeah, that's what Beck said."

Tori chews on her lip. "Um, what even happened between you guys?"

That's another thing I don't like about her. I could probably make a whole list. She's so nosy. She always tries to help but sometimes it just makes everything worse than it already was. I mean, doesn't she get that this is none of her business? No. She never stays out of other people's problems. But I don't fully blame her. This is our third breakup. I hate how difficult it has to be.

I groan, leaning my back against my locker as I look at her. "God. Mind your own business, alright, Vega? You can't fix this."

"Why'd he dump you?"

I can't tell her tone. I can't tell if she's trying to be a bitch or not, but that's not who Tori is. She just likes to teach me a lesson. I've figured that out about her. I sure was a bitch to her when Danny went out with Cat, but I'm supposed to be a bitch. I can't suddenly act super nice no matter how hard I try. It's not me.

Man, dejavuu much? I asked Tori the same thing when Danny dumped her. I don't know. Literally. I don't know why Beck broke up with me. I'm confident. I'm hot. I have it all. My personality might not be the best, but he's able to keep me guarded. I can be nice on occasion. What the hell does he see wrong with me? I don't know.

I keep my tone sharp. "Stay out of it, Vega."

"Don't you want Beck back?"

No fucking duh I want Beck back. He was the only person who could get the other side of me out. Is Tori trying to get back at me? How does she expect to fix our relationship this time? It seems impossible. I can't breakdown. Not here. I won't. Especially when Beck didn't even give me a fucking reason. If I told him I hated him, I'd be lying. I always miss him when we breakup. I just don't show it that well. Maybe I need to show more emotion, but he hardly shows it himself.

Was he sick of me? We did stuff together that couples would do. I did try to act nicer around him. He knows I can't control my outbursts. I don't have the best temper, but I don't have the worst. He made me feel other things besides bitter and hate all the time. I don't know what I did wrong. Did he just fall out of love?

"I don't even know why he broke up with me, okay?! That's his loss. Do you really think I want to go through this again? I really don't. I just wish everybody would shut up about it. Please. Vega. Just shut up."

"Come on, Jade, you can't keep pushing people away!"

"I can try!"

The last bell rings. I chew harshly on my bottom lower lip, pushing Tori out of the way. Does she ever stop trying to be perfect and helping people with their problems? It doesn't seem like it. But I don't need anybody to fix things for me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't even own a little part of it. **

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Cat and Tori are talking by the lockers. Excuse me for eavesdropping, but I'm suspicious. They've been acting weird ever since Beck and I broke up. Everybody has. It's been a week since it's happened. I still haven't figured out the damn reason, but I don't move on easily. Beck was possibly the best boyfriend ever. I don't like to think that I was wrong about him, but who knows? I don't breakdown in front of people. I've learned to keep myself together better.

"Cat, don't tell Jade. Please. I need you to not tell her Beck and I—"

_What's Tori going on about?_

Just as my eyes widen, I walk up to the both of them, cocking a brow up. I interrupt Tori. "Don't tell me what, Vega?"

Cat bursts, "Tori and Beck are going out!"

"What?!"

I can't believe this. I'm going to _kill _Vega. I couldn't stop myself from lashing out like that. Was Beck just leading me on so he could find a way to get to Tori? This wouldn't even have happened if Tori didn't show up at Hollywood Arts in the first place. It's all _her_ fault. Beck must think she's perfect. So what, I'm not good enough anymore because little miss Tori Vega showed up? If what Cat blurted out was true, I guess I shouldn't have trusted anybody in the first place. Trust makes everything worse.

"Cat! You weren't supposed to say anything!"

Tori looks like she's freaking out. When the hell did this happen? Why didn't I know anything about it? No wonder she was acting weird. It's hard to tell with Beck, especially since he has a damn good poker face and everything, but did they really think that they could keep this a secret from me for long? Man, I hate high school.

"Oops. I guess she knows now!"

I guess I owe it to Cat for blurting it out. But Tori isn't perfect. I could say that a thousand times. Is the whole word blind? Clearly. She's a klutz. She spilled coffee on Beck. She kissed him when they weren't even going out. Beck didn't retreat. I don't care if they kissed because of a stupid scene. She still kissed him. I was still dating him. Plus she kissed Cat's boyfriend. Who the hell does that? Little miss Tori Vega isn't as nice as she seems. And she thinks I'm mean? Wow. What's worse is she hasn't even run in front of a bus yet. I mean, come on! I've waited long enough.

"Um. Jade. Look, I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd freak out."

Figures. I knew there was a reason to hate Tori. I get that she's talented. I get it. But why can't everybody else besides me see that she's not all that perfect? Just thinking about Tori and Beck as a couple makes me want to puke.

"You know what? Forget it. I don't care, Vega. I shouldn't have trusted Beck anyway. It's obvious he would've kissed you that time if you didn't stop him, but keeping this from me? How long do you think it would've taken for me to figure out?"

"I'm feeling tension!"

I ignore Cat.

Tori sighs. "Cat, I don't think you wanna get in the middle of this."

"'Kay 'kay." Says Cat quietly.

Cat leaves. I'm left standing here with Tori, starting to hate her immensely. But what's the point in arguing? It all seems so useless. We argue all the time, but it doesn't get us anywhere. I actually have a point to hate her now, but what can I do to stop her from going out with Beck anyway? I don't know.

"I don't even want to bother, alright, Vega? We don't have to get in the middle of anything. But you're making a mistake. You really think you're that perfect, don't you? Whatever. I'm out of here."

Just as I'm turning a corner, I find Beck in the hallway. He instantly freezes when he see's me.

"Beck! We need to talk."

"Jade, I don't really have time to talk about anything—"

I don't care about his excuses. He's so calm about everything. That's one of the things I don't like about him. He doesn't like it when I lash out, but I do it anyway. He always has to blame things on _me_. That's not how relationships are supposed to work. Maybe that's why he thought we weren't right for each other, but why did he have to go out with Tori? It doesn't make any sense.

"Is that why you broke up with me, so you could go out with Vega?"

"Jade, that's why I didn't wanna say anything."

"Did you guys fuck? I get that I can be a bitch, but why the hell do you want to go out with that slut Tori?"

"I didn't think you would be a bitch! But Tori is not a slut, okay? Don't call her that."

"Yeah, like I care. What did you just call me?"

He throws his hands in the air in defense, threading a hand through his hair as he leans against his locker. "Sorry. That didn't come out right. But stop assuming things between Tori and I that didn't happen. She can be really awesome if you get to know her, y'know? I don't want you calling her a slut when I asked her out. Look, I don't wanna fight. We're not even a couple and we're still fighting. Do you really think we're the perfect couple when we were voted the worst couple on that game show where the other couples weren't even real couples? Think about it, Jade."

"So you ask out Vega? Why are you still thinking about that? It was a stupid game show! It's history! You're really gonna throw away the three years we had together?"

"I just don't think we're right for each other, y'know? It doesn't feel right. I know you and Tori don't get along, but don't blame her just because we're going out. Maybe I'm making a mistake. I don't know. But I want you to know that I did love you. All those times were worth it, but it just doesn't feel right. I need to move on."

"That's your excuse just so you can fuck Vega?"

"No. Don't talk like that. It didn't happen. Tori isn't as bad as you think. I know what choices I'm making. You just need to deal with them. Can you just please not act like this? We can work things out."

"What? Not act like a bitch? That's not gonna happen. I'll act how I wanna act. Just forget about it, alright? Go out with Tori. I don't care anymore!"

"Jade, I know you hate Tori, but aren't you being a little irrational about this?"

The way we keep talking about Tori makes me sick. I can't stand her. I can't stand the way he talks about her either. I don't show my emotions very well. I'll admit that I can be a bitch, but it helps keep me together. I hate when people see the vulnerable side of me. It's not pretty.

"Are you calling me irrational? I'm not irrational. Save it, Beck. I don't need you, okay? I don't."

He sighs. "Look, I gotta get to class. Try to have a better attitude, okay?"

Like that's gonna happen. Beck goes to class. I'm leaning back against my locker, wondering if my heart is ever going to stop beating so quickly. I don't care if I'm late. No big deal. But what's so special about Tori? I can't think of anything. It may seem like I'm jealous, but I'm not. I hate her. That's it. What does she have that I don't? Sure, she may be pretty from certain angles, but to dump me for her? Stupid.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm teasing you guys. I just couldn't help myself. If this doesn't appeal to you, don't read it. Simple as that. :D Otherwise thanks for the reviews! It'll get less discombobulated as the story goes on. I promise.  
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**Disclaimer: Oh, I wish...**

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I'm home. Usually I'd be spending the weekend with Beck. I guess that's not happening now. He's probably sucking faces with Tori. Feelings are stupid. I almost wish I didn't have any to begin with. I'm mad that he's dumped me. He wasted everything we had together. It doesn't even feel real. I hate to think that it's final, but I can't let myself cry. I don't know if I can function without him. Why the hell can't I get him out of my head? I'm such a fucking idiot.

I call Cat. I need a distraction. She talks non-stop. I don't have to say anything. I just listen. She knows I'm there. I know she gets me in a way, especially since Tori had kissed _her_ boyfriend. But it's different. It's different because it's Beck. He had such a hold on me. But now I'm so broken. Except I don't find myself in tears. What will crying do anyway? It would likely make things worse. I have to stay grounded. I should've punched Tori in the face just like Cat had. That would sure make me feel a lot better. I soon hang up, filled with so much emotion yet none at the same time.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have been so stupid to fall for Beck so easily. And to make things worse, my dad hates me more than ever. We're no longer on speaking terms. Sure, he had seen me perform that one time, but then he just goes right back to hating me again. He thinks everything I do is stupid. I'm starting to agree with him. He isn't home. He tries to avoid me as much as possible. I'm all by myself. I'm sitting by the fireplace because I'm fucking classy like that.

That's why I learned that it's easier when you don't have anybody. You're not afraid of getting hurt. I shouldn't have gotten close to him. I guess I was stupid to think that Beck and I would have a long-term relationship. Yeah, right. Who was I kidding? Myself. I fell for him so hard, but now what? Nothing. I just know that I can't do this again. I can't keep on going back to him no matter how much it hurts. I'm physically and emotionally empty. I don't exactly feel like eating at a time like this.

Would it be different if Tori hadn't even entered my life? Probably. Maybe we'd still be a couple. We probably would've lasted longer. But I don't think that would stop us from fighting. I really need to control my temper. I'll admit that it's a flaw of mine, but it helps cover up how I really feel. I'm alone. Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world. I thought I could be fine on my own, but this doesn't feel right. It's better to hide your feelings. People don't see the vulnerable side of me that's underneath. That's why I have to be a bitch.

I had tried being nicer to Tori. I don't think I'm going to try ever again. Too much work. If I don't even get anything in return for trying, what's the use? I didn't think things would end up like this. I'm not used to being nice. Now I know why. What do you get for being nice to people? You get hurt. You find out they aren't really who they seem to be. Like Beck, for instance. How could I have been so foolish? I guess that's what happens.

I hear the doorbell ring. I don't feel like getting it, but I do anyway. It's Cat. I didn't invite her. If she is here to try and make me feel better, I wouldn't bother.

"Hi, Jade!"

She's so damn happy all the time. She's always in a good mood. I don't know how to be in a good mood. Literally. And I probably won't be in one ever. Why does she see the world like it's so full of unicorns and rainbows when I fucking hate it? I'll never get that. I hate unicorns and rainbows.

I stand by the door, staring at her. "Cat, it's midnight. Why are you here? I'm not exactly in the mood for sleepovers."

She shrugs, rolling her shoulders up as she stares back at me. "I dunno. I don't like it when you're sad."

I internally groan. "I'm not sad. I'm just pissed off. There's a difference. I hate everything, remember?"

"I brought candy!"

I keep my voice firm. "Thanks, but I'll pass. Candy doesn't solve all the world's problems."

"You don't know!"

I wish she would stop acting like a child. Even though I hate Tori, I guess that's one of the things we have in common. I just don't get why Cat is always so full of life and I'm not. Maybe it's because it's easier for her to get over things. I don't get why I should be though. I'm a sick and twisted person. I've fully accepted that. But I don't see it as a flaw. Not exactly.

I cock a brow up. "So what, Cat, you think you can make me feel better?"

And then, while I'm standing by the door and wondering why Cat is so clueless, she grabs my face and crashes me into a kiss. Oh. That's what she meant to make me feel better. She's so naïve. Never knew I would feel like this. My heart is literally beating a mile a minute having her so close to me. But it's wrong. It's so wrong. I shouldn't be kissing Cat. This isn't right. Cat shouldn't be kissing me. I don't care for labels, but I'm not over Beck at all. Tori shouldn't be with Beck. I break the kiss. Why did Cat kiss me? This is not my night.

Cat blinks. "What's wrong? I thought it would make you feel better. You said candy wouldn't. I thought I would try something different, y'know?"

I can't hold onto these feelings for Beck but I can't let go. How do I stop myself from thinking about him? I don't know. Now that he's gone, what am I supposed to feel? I don't know if I ever really called Cat my friend. But I don't hate her like I hate Tori. That's for damn sure. She was basically like a pet, but now that she's kissed me I'm not sure what to think. What was she thinking? She was just trying to make me feel better, right? She doesn't know any better. She doesn't make sense at all. None of this really makes sense.

"I don't know if I do. Cat, I think you should go home. This wasn't supposed to happen. You don't just kiss me like that. Why did you kiss me like that?"

"'Cause I don't like seeing you sad. I just wanted to make you feel better. I told you that already. Plus you said candy doesn't solve all the world's problems. Maybe if I kissed you it would make you feel at least something besides hate all the time."

This is all wrong. I just stare at Cat. She hasn't even stepped inside yet and I'm already filled with so much confusion. Can anything really take all the hate I feel towards the world and possibly myself away? I doubt it. My mind's blank. I can't love Cat. I don't think I will ever love Cat. But then again, I never thought Beck would fall for Tori. I don't know if I can move on. I thought our relationship was fixed. Maybe it wasn't fixed enough. I know I can be obnoxious, but that's a flaw I can't fix. Everything's so messed up. I'm supposed to be with Beck.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own it just like I don't own a unicorn. Probably never gonna happen for the both of them.**

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As I'm left speechless and internally freaking out, a car pulls up in my driveway. Shit. I mentally curse to myself. It's my dad. When your dad constantly hates you, there's no way you're going to turn out normal. We hardly ever speak to each other. We don't get along. We never have. I don't really care though. I gradually gave up on trying to please people. There's no use if they just hurt you in the end anyway, right?

He's so not going to find out that Cat and I kissed. He can't know. That was close. I can't take his criticism. I definitely don't want him calling me a dyke. Yeah, no fucking way I want to be labeled like that. He doesn't need to know. It was a one-time thing. That's it. I usually avoid him and stay at Beck's, but I'm not with Beck anymore.

"Oh my god, it's a mysterious van!"

Ugh. How can she joke at a time like this? I can't take it. Everything is too much. It's like the kiss wasn't even a big deal to her. Maybe I shouldn't be making such a big deal out of it, but seriously? What was Cat thinking? Nothing. Maybe that's it. She doesn't think. I told her candy wouldn't help, so she kissed me. Great solution. Yeah, right. All she was doing was trying to make me feel better, trying to cheer me up. That's what I keep trying to tell myself. There's not anymore to it. It's not like she has any feelings for me at all. I doubt she would. We're completely different people. It won't get out though. It'll stay between us. I'll make sure of it. Nobody has to know.

"Cat, this isn't an episode of _Scooby Doo_. It's just my dad."

"Dang it."

My dad parks the car. He gets out. I want him to leave, but he won't do that. He usually doesn't come home this late. Great. Perfect timing. What a joke. He doesn't know whom I hang out with. It's none of his business. We don't relate to each other. I can't relate to him at all. Well, we're both cold. I guess that's something. Not like I care. He never showed much affection towards me anyway. Man, I fucking hate people.

"Dad. I didn't think you would be home."

"Who's that? I didn't think you could make friends. I thought most of them found you a demonic spawn of Satan, so to speak."

Wow. So my dad's an ass to me when I don't make friends and when I do make friends. Gotta love parents, huh? Yeah, right.

"That's Cat. I can make friends, y'know. You sure do put humor into everything. Haven't received many compliments from you in a while."

It's different when I'm with Cat. She's sweet. I hate sweet. I'm bitter. I can't change. But Cat's different. Sure, she doesn't give me those crazy feelings like Beck does, but I could use a distraction. I could use _her. _After all, how long do Tori and Beck think they can last together? They're not the perfect couple.

He looks at Cat. "I think it would be best if your friend left."

"I'm going to Cat's. You can't tell me what to do when we hardly speak to each other in the first place, okay? You won't have me around. Consider yourself lucky. Bye, Dad. Let's go, Cat."

"'Kay 'kay. Bye, sir!"

He doesn't stop me. I get my keys and grab Cat by the arm, sprinting with her toward my car. I'm furious. It's happening all over again. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Man, I fucking hate having emotions. I don't know how to deal with them. I'm so upset. I wish the world would just go away. Why can't I get anything right? I don't know how to fix myself, especially when I don't even know what to fix. I keep telling myself that I should be with Beck, because that's the truth. I should be with him. But I'm not. Tori's with him instead. I blew it again. It's so different. It's unbearable. Cat's with me. Not Tori. Tori isn't here because she's the problem. She's what started this mess. I blame her, but maybe that's unfair. I don't know. I don't know what would've happened if I didn't act the way I do. I can't help it. Does he love her? God, I really hope not. My heart sinks at the thought.

"He seemed nice!"

Nice? Hardly.

I scoff. "Yeah, well he hates me."

Deep down, I don't want anybody. I know I don't need anybody, but maybe I'm lying to myself. I shouldn't have been so stupid. Why am I so stupid?! I should've stayed heartless to everybody just like my dad. Maybe that would've made things easier on me. But I know I can't shut everybody out. It's impossible. So that's why I'm with Cat, I guess.

Cat tilts her head, almost as if she's observing me. "You okay?"

I take a deep breath. "No," I say, harsher than I intended as I turn the wheel. "I'm not okay at all. My dad hates me. He thinks I'm a loser. He thinks everything I do is stupid. I don't even know what the hell I did wrong. I know I'm not nice, but I try to control my temper when I'm around Beck. God. Tori better just watch it, you know what I mean?"

Well, at least I blew off some steam.

Cat chews on her lip. "I'm confused."

I let out an irritated sigh. "Forget it. I'm staying at your place tonight, okay?"

"'Kay 'kay." Says Cat quietly.

Maybe Cat really is just as clueless as I thought. Maybe. Maybe not. It's hard to tell. But I've never been too terribly mean to her like anybody else. Besides, who else could I go to? I mean, I could be crying my eyes out at home, but I'm with Cat instead. Crying is weak, so I try not to do it. Cat's like my only friend. I barely have any friends. I should've kept it that way. I didn't need anybody, so why did I keep going back to Beck? I'm totally in love with him. But I'm hurt, and it's so damn hard to hide it. Why can't I seem to stabilize myself? I'm not stable. I'm hurt. I can't change how I act. I literally can't. I wish people would just learn to deal with me, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

I pull up into Cat's driveway, turning off the car. Is it worth making a scene in front of Cat?


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious. I hate saying that.**

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I'm not happy. Maybe I was happy with Beck, but I'm stuck to hating things again. It's better that way. I don't have to get hurt. I can't make a scene. What would the point be? Maybe I'm done with guys for good, but Beck was my only first real boyfriend. I shouldn't have expected so much to begin with. I'm not stable. I changed ever since Tori showed up. I became more obnoxious, but that's only because I didn't want to lose my reputation. I didn't want to lose Beck either, but can anybody really blame me for acting the way I do? I have reasons. At least I haven't lost my reputation. That's probably the only thing she didn't take away from me. There's no bright side in this. Maybe there's a bright side for Beck and Tori, but for me? Yeah, right.

I'll admit it, maybe I was jealous, but who wouldn't be when she acts so damn perfect all the time? She has the perfectionist image that everybody's looking for. It only makes me sick. She's not as perfect as she seems. It's Beck's fault for inviting her to sit with us in the first place. I get that he was trying to make her feel welcome, but why did he do that? I should've stopped him. All I could do was glare. We didn't need her. She was never really my friend. Was that not obvious enough? Why did she even _try _getting close to me? I now know why I kept pushing her away. I didn't have my reasons but now I do. I don't feel stable without him.

Well, at least I can stand Cat. She stayed with me, so that must mean something, right? I'm shocked that she actually gives a shit about me. Not that I would care if I didn't have anybody stay by my side. I like when things go _my_ way, but none of that's happening now. I'm just saying. It's not like Andre and Robbie would be any use anyway. I intimidate them, so they're useless. Everybody else just stays with Tori, because they think she's perfect. Nobody's fucking perfect. Nobody gets that though. I don't need them to keep myself together. I have Cat. Sure, she may be innocent and naïve, but that's just the kind of person I need as a distraction.

I hide my emotions. Emotions are stupid. Why do they have to be so confusing? I have a hard time figuring them out. It's hard to tell my emotions when I'm filled with mostly pure hate all the time. I was filled with so many when I was with Beck, but now I'm just so empty. Maybe it's okay. It's better when you don't feel things. I know that. What's the use if they make everything worse when you show them anyway? Never confess anything toward people. Most people are stupid, so that's why I don't bother with them. Cat's an exception.

We're sprawled across her bed. It's late, but I don't care. I can't be around my dad. Not at a time like this. We didn't wake her parents up. She knows I'm having a rough time, so she lets me stay. Her parents didn't hear us come in, so I'm assuming I'll just crash here for the night and leave in the morning. It's weird being around somebody else besides Beck all the time for a change.

I look at Cat. My voice is firm, but it isn't too sharp. "Why are you so close to me?"

She blinks. "I don't want you to get lonely. I know I got kinda mad at Tori for kissing Danny, so I don't want you to feel the same way I did."

Cat finally makes sense for once. I don't know the exact feeling of loneliness, but it's horrible. It's hard to say if Beck was fed up with me. Maybe he just gave up on me, but why did he go to Tori? I don't exactly know. I'm only starting to hate myself even more thinking about it.

"Cat, I'm not lonely, okay? I'm not. Beck was the nicest guy I ever met, y'know? I gotta keep my reputation up if I don't want to lose him, but I guess I did something wrong. I just don't want to see Beck ever again or even hear Tori's name."

Can I go a day without hearing her name? Unlikely. My life sucks. How am I going to keep myself together after the weekend, seeing Beck and Tori hold hands and suck faces with each other? She _stole_ him from me and I can't get him back. And then, while thinking I had kept myself together so well, I start to breakdown in front of Cat.

Cat isn't used to seeing the vulnerable side of me. Nobody ever has, except for Tori that one time. I try not to show it. She isn't used to intense conversations. But I think she knows candy won't solve this. She easily gets over things, but how am I supposed to get over Beck? I don't know. I know I never want to see him ever again, but that's impossible. I can't just avoid him forever. Why am I still telling myself that he's worth it when I'm way past the edge of breaking down? I just don't want to see him falling over Tori. I didn't think things would get this bad between us. I'm getting weak.

"Jade, I'm so sorry."

What else was I expecting her to say? But even though I'm breaking down, this somehow feels enough. Maybe I do need to be around somebody. It's different with Cat, but it feels right. She doesn't know how to fix this, but that's okay because she isn't trying to get in the middle of anything.

She attempts to hold me but I push her away. She gets it though. I don't like hugs. They're stupid. I've never wanted any affection from anybody besides Beck. I wish I didn't have such a soft side for him or maybe none of this mess would've even happened. Fuck everything.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Victorious, along with the llama that I do not have, is not owned by me.**

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I sneak out of Cat's house in the morning before her parents wake up. I drive to the park, excessively speeding. I immediately stop. Great. My day just got ruined. Tori and Beck are sitting on top of the table, Tori sucking on Beck's finger. Beck's _so_ dead. But I'm trying to keep it together. After all, I'm not with him anymore, right? I can't act out. I slam my hands against the wheel, but I don't make an obvious scene. They don't see me. I don't want to be seen. Why was I not surprised? It seems like they're everywhere I go. They aren't perfect. Everybody thinks they're a great couple. They make me sick. Honestly, I hate how things turned out the way they are. _We _were perfect. I know we fought, but we did couple stuff. I messed up. It's _my_ bad. I don't have to be around them on the weekend. I just have to avoid them as much as I can. I stare at them through the window, my heart literally crushing. But I don't let them know that I'm here. It's too much. I don't have the energy to freak out. I'm stronger than that. I'm not supposed to let things like this hurt me, but they do. Oh, they do. What happened to us?

I get in my car and just drive back home, fast. As I'm driving, I can't seem to get Beck out of my head. We make up. We fight. We break up. We do the same damn thing all the time. The only thing different is that he's with Tori now, which makes it even harder to believe that we'll make up. I'm tired of going in circles. Maybe we're finally done, but what was the point on us if we're over? I guess I'm not as tough as I seem. I do have a soft side, but that's hidden way underneath where I don't let anybody see. I hate myself for showing Beck that soft side. He knows how vulnerable I truly am. But I can't let the intimidating side of me disappear. Maybe it was just a stupid relationship and I shouldn't have gotten my hopes too high. Maybe that's it. Why did I think we finally had it together the third time? I guess third time's don't fix everything. I should've learned that from the beginning. My fault. Why was I so stupid?! Usually I'm the one putting everybody else down, but now I'm putting myself down and it feels so weird. I never thought I would act so stupidly.

Maybe there's something I do not understand. I fell for him too hard. I hate how I did. I know our relationship was dysfunctional, but so what? So fucking what. Everybody's a little dysfunctional. If he just told me maybe things would be different. Maybe things would be worse. I don't want to know. I don't think I could've handled it too well. It doesn't seem like I am now. I kept thinking we were perfect together, but maybe I was wrong. I was _so _wrong. Any moment I'm waiting for him to come back, but what If he doesn't? What will I do? Will I use Cat as a distraction? But distractions can only last for so long until it finally hits you again. It's still hitting me. What do I do? I can't be around anybody right now, not with the state I'm in.

I get out, slamming the car door shut and walking into my home. I don't come here often. I'm usually with Beck. Maybe that's why I never felt truly alone, but now I do. Everybody needs somebody. Even me. I'm not so cold. Maybe it would be easier if I was, but there's some broken girl covered up by an intimidating mask. That's me. I'm broken. I'm so different underneath. I get so weak. But I can't be the first to crack. He missed me. He told me that. But then again, those words only mean so much. They aren't as strong. Beck doesn't show emotion too well. He has a good poker face. What happened? Why'd he leave? For Tori? It seems obvious enough, but somehow I can't believe it.

None of this would've happened if she weren't here. Everything would be just the way it was. We would still be a couple. They hated being around Beck and I because we always fought, but they could've dealt with it. What's different with him and Tori? I know I'm difficult. I know I don't make the best decisions. I'm not totally rational, but I'm rational enough to know that Beck and I had at least something. I shouldn't have broken up with him the very first time. My trust wasn't that high, but now it's not at all. We're just cycling. Maybe he'll get bored of Tori. I sure would. Who knows.

I lay back against the couch, breaking down and letting tears soak the pillow. Can Beck really get over me just like that when I'm crying my eyes out? God. I don't want to see him again, but I know that's extremely impossible unless I isolate myself completely. This can't be fixed. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do.

I hear the doorbell ring. Shit. It better not be my dad. But he has keys, so I know it can't be him. I don't feel like getting up. I can't let anybody see me break down. I try to put myself back together as much as possible, walking toward the door and letting whoever decided to show their face here come in.

"Jade, we need to talk."

My voice is sharp. "Yeah, hey."

It's Beck. He looks apathetic, like always. I don't want him to be here. Yeah, I guess I can't get away from him. What the hell is he doing here?! If he's here to apologize, apologize about what? He broke up with me. He gave me his reason. We're done. That's it. What else is there to say? Does he seriously want to see me like this? He was at the park with Tori. Why'd he leave? What does he want? I hate him seeing me like this. He knows how broken I am. He probably knows how I'm feeling. Is he trying to get something out of it? I just want him to leave.

"You can be pissed at me all you want. Can I just come in? Please. We need to talk."

"We just talked."

I stay standing there, staring at him. I don't care if he see's the state I'm in. Was he expecting me to be in an optimistic mood? I'm not down for that. I'm obviously going to be a bitch. What do we even need to talk about? If he wants to be friends with me, forget it. But I let him come inside anyway, and I don't know what he wants to talk about but at this point I don't really care.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Don't own. **

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Beck walks inside. I don't remember the last time he told me he loved me. Truly. I won't let my guard down though. It doesn't matter who's wrong. I can't be so vulnerable. I have to stay alert. I know how much emotion he gives me, but he just doesn't give the same back too well. I guess that's the thing, we both had a hard time expressing emotion to each other. We're both too stubborn to express it. We're also too stubborn to let anything out that we keep inside. I know there's a lot I hide. That's because I can't get hurt. I slam the door shut, holding back my impulses from wanting to slam him in the face. We stay standing. He doesn't come closer.

We're both silent for a while, staring at each other, me trying so desperately not to break down. I won't, no matter how hard it is to be around him. He doesn't have to be here. I don't know why he's here. He chose to be here, so there must be something pretty important, right? Doesn't he have better things to do than be with me? Now I just want him to leave, but at the same time I don't. God. Why did I have to fall for him? He knows how to break me. I'm so closed in, but he knows how to open me up. He already damaged what we had. He's just making things worse for the both of us. And it hurts so badly. I don't want to be the first one to speak. What would I say?

"So, uh..." He breaks the silence, looking into my eyes. "I'm sorry, okay? For everything."

I look down, thinking a little bit. Is that all he came here for, to apologize to me? It's just making everything even harder to process. I know breakups happen. I just can't seem to get over it. But I should be. I wish it were that damn easy. Maybe we can finally fix things this time, but it seems like the damage is too much. I can't seem to get over all those years we had together. How are you supposed to get over it? It seems impossible. I mean, he was the guy I got really close to. Nobody else. I thought I only needed him. Now that we're over, what do I do? Does he expect me to be forgiving? If that's the case, that's not going to happen. That's not the kind of person I am. I know I act different around Beck, but I'm not a very forgiving person. He knows that. I don't forgive easily just like I don't trust easily. There are valid reasons for that.

I take a deep breath, showing no real malice in my voice. "So why did you come here? What is it that you want, Beck? Do you want me to beg for you to come back to me?"

He threads a hand through his dark hair, sighing deeply. "I want you to trust me."

He already broke _my_ trust.

"Trust you about what?" I cock my brows up, clearly irritated. I find myself getting lost in his eyes but keep myself together. "I saw you guys at the park, Beck! I was there. You probably saw me, didn't you? But it doesn't even matter. You shouldn't be here. You should be with Vega. We're not a couple anymore. What is it you want to talk about?"

Do I want him to feel bad? Maybe. He deserves it. I don't deserve this.

"That's the thing." He says softly, keeping his voice low. "Jade, you were right. I want to talk about us. Tori and I aren't right for each other."

_God, Beck._ He just now figured that out? Why does he have to make things so difficult? I hate that he's doing this. Can he tell that I'm hurt? Maybe. Maybe that's why he came back. It's breaking me even more, knowing that I could go back to him if Tori didn't get in the middle of everything. I'd do anything to let him kiss me, for things to go back to the way they were and know that everything's going to be okay, but I can't. Not yet. Won't it make things more of a mess? I haven't even spoken to Tori since.

"So what do you want to do about it? We fight. We break up. We make up. It's never consistent. I'm so sick of it. You can't just experiment with her and expect everything to go back to the way it was again! We can't keep on doing this. That's not how it works."

I lash out. But I do want him back, just not like this. I can't have him back when things are so complicated. It's his fault. What wasn't working? He didn't have to go and make things complicated, but he did. We could've kept things going the way they were, but he wanted to experiment with Tori instead. Why? He shouldn't have started this to begin with. He keeps throwing me away like I'm some toy. I don't understand. I had everything. I guess not enough. They're still basically a couple, aren't they? It wouldn't be right. He can't kiss me when he's still with Tori. He doesn't know what to say, so he puts his arms around my waist but I push him away.

He looks down, almost like he's in deep thought and then looks back up at me, rubbing at his temples. "I thought you wanted to get back together. Isn't that what you want? We can try not to fight. Third time's the charm, right?"

But we always do fight. Our relationship is never stable. As much as I hate to admit, it's dysfunctional. Besides, is he thinking about breaking up with Tori? What's his plan? He probably doesn't have one.

"Don't touch me." I say, my voice sharp.

But Beck isn't controlling. He doesn't push things further. He doesn't leave though. He just looks at me and nods. He doesn't do anything else because he gets it. No matter how much I want to get back with him, he's with Tori. I don't get it if he wants me back or not. Why is he doing this to me?


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thank you guys for all the reviews :D This is a shortish chapter. But I promise the next one will be longer.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious.**

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There's an awkward silence. What we had was enough. Why did Beck have to test things with Tori? It doesn't make any sense. He made things more complicated for the both of us. We could've kept everything stable, but now it's not and that's that. I guess all this will be worth it somehow. Who knows.

Beck sighs. "We need to talk about this."

He's still here. I don't deserve any of this. There's this constant stalling that he's doing, and I can't take it. We're never going to get anywhere. I thought we already talked. He isn't leaving, I know that. Beck's controlling with his words. He knows how to get me to listen. We're very dysfunctional. I don't trust him. I had until he went out with Tori. I don't know. I still don't know why he did it. He loved _me_. Why else would he be here? He wants me back, I know. We're crazy together, but what did that matter? He slipped up. That was his decision. Now things are complicated. Maybe we weren't meant to be, but I thought we were the perfect couple. We could've been, I guess. He messed things up and experimented with Tori. Things were better without her. We'll never be friends. I was happier. I mean, more than I could be. Whatever. His fault. I still don't understand why he wants me back. I want him back but not like this. It's too weird.

I sigh as he stares at me. "We already talked."

I'm stubborn, I'll admit. So? I'm supposed to be. That's something Beck has gotten used to. Maybe there's a side of me that's not totally demonic, but I hide it for the most part. I'm not that kind of person who just gives in like that. I don't let out the other side of me very often. I always have to get my way. I didn't tell him to leave because I want him to stay. Shit. I'm so confused. Why did he have to be so stupid? I hate what we're doing. I don't know how it's going to end up, but if we're going to get back together anyway, what am I doing? Love is annoying. Just when I almost like Tori he makes me hate her again. I can't help it, y'know. As much as I try to stay guard, he gets me either way. He's such an idiot. But I love him.

He takes a deep breath, exhaling a sigh. "Will you stop being so stubborn? Jade, please. I'm sorry, didn't I tell you? I made a mistake. I know I was wrong. I miss you. Can we start over?"

That's a big ask. I don't know what to do. It's different. I can't do this. He's not lying. He really does miss me, I know. I miss him. I miss us. I miss us without Tori in the picture. And then, because I don't know what else to say, I kiss him. Maybe it's wrong. I'm probably right, but I don't care. Beck's honest. He kept this from me, but not for long. All I can think about it us. I try to push Tori away from my thoughts, but she comes back up and I break the kiss. We're looking at each other like we're strangers again. Christ. I need to make up my damn mind.

He blinks. "Why'd you stop?"

I bite my lip, trying so desperately not to lash out. "Look, apologize all you want. I don't care. This isn't right."

Well, that was harsh.

He threads a hand through his dark hair, musing. "What isn't? I know we're not perfect, but we don't have to be."

I smirk at him. "Cheesy. But, no. Not that. You can't just expect us to start over. I told you that, didn't I? You can't expect me to forgive you like I did before. It's different now. You messed up. I didn't do anything."

"So you don't want to start over?"

I blink. What would that mean? Everything was going great and now it's not. I guess you expected the unexpected. But I don't want to start over. Not like this. I didn't want any of this to happen. I just want things to go back to the way they were, but it's not that simple now that Tori's involved. We can't just start over. He can't take that back.

I frown. "I don't know, Beck. You know I don't like Tori, but you shouldn't keep her from us like you kept you and her from me. We should give it time."

There's pain in his eyes, but he just nods in agreement. He can't do anything about it. If I'm doing the right thing, why do I feel like shit? Ugh. Why does he think he can just take me back like that? He makes it seem so simple! Breakups aren't simple. All of this just feels so stupid. Why don't I go back to him? That's what I want. But I can't. I've avoided him for the longest time, but we can't get back together like this. Not now. I don't know when, but this isn't right. I need to talk to Tori. I don't even want to be around her, but we can't fix this otherwise.

He shrugs helplessly. "Fine. Well, I gotta go."

I nod firmly. "Bye."

He pushes open the door, leaving without saying anything. I hate this.

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